Newspaper reporters receive innumerable news releases. Some are important, some interesting, most entirely irrelevant. Serious journalists can easily become annoyed by spam news. But lucky for you, dear readers, some become connoisseurs.

This week, “experts” have informed us that, thanks to a combination of factors, Louisiana is the fifth most likely state to survive a UFO invasion. Virginia has the best chance of fighting off little green men, killer robots, alien parasites, and such, followed by Georgia (the spacemen probably would avoid the place because of the Falcons, right?), Massachusetts and New York.

The characteristics that were considered in this statistical analysis were: the frequency of UFO sightings, population density, the presence of military and law enforcement defenses, the accessibility of doctors and scientists, ready food manufacturing facilities, plus caves, forests and bodies of water.

Though we are not UFO invasion authorities, we dispute the importance of caves. Because, let’s say you flee the death rays by hiding in a cave. Wouldn’t you still be vulnerable to vampire bats and stuff like that?

If you live in Nevada, you might as well surrender to the invaders and get your belly button probed and be given amnesia right now, because, statistically speaking, you don’t have a chance. Idaho, Wyoming and Arizona aren’t much better. Maybe because they’re so big and empty that the Martians could just slip in without being noticed.

Chewbacchus 2023

A giant alien puppet marches in the Intergalactic Krewe of Chewbacchus parade on Jan. 28.

Which brings us back to Louisiana.

Our own “experts” — who’ve long contemplated the possibility of invasion by space creatures — believe that Louisiana is actually much more likely to be targeted by the Klingons or the Krell than most other states, because the invaders could easily blend. Heck, they could land a big ol’ flying saucer in Jackson Square in the French Quarter, and go completely unnoticed indefinitely. 

They’re probably already here. They've probably already joined Mardi Gras krewes and have Saints season tickets. 

The UFO invasion survivability study, which is based on a “points-based index system,” was conducted by the NJ Casino website, which is ostensibly devoted to “Finding trustworthy, up-to-date reviews of every online casino in New Jersey.”

Shouldn’t they have enough to do already?

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